The Issue of Women's Burden: A Preliminary Grounding

It's so funny. In one class this semester, two female students attacked me for contributing a feminist voice to two separate discussions. It's one of those things: If you don't want to hear an opposing view, don't share anything that opens an entryway for it.

So, anyway, I replied to Tiffany and talked about the issue of burden I feared she might be carrying, given what she contributed. First, her jobs consume a significant portion of her time each week (I'd guess 50-60 hours). Secondly, she's carrying at least 12 hours of classes. Finally, even though she has a live-in boyfriend, she's responsible for the housework.

I would've been interested to see how she replied, but the female student who did (Christina) is married and apparently feels unexpressed resentment toward her husband who also doesn't contribute to "housecleaning." Obviously, if someone's married, there's not a lot you can say regarding the issue of women's burden.

By agreeing to that mutual contract voluntarily (as there are many women who don't have the option to choose - and I'd argue that it's extremely unfair to criticize them without considering the historical circumstances that lend the socio-politico-cultural structures through which ideas of marriage and women's place are constrained/defined by (including our American culture)), what we're saying is: This is the person I want to be with regardless of his (her) faults, which I'm well aware of and accept. And while I imagine that there might be some things a wife (or husband) wouldn't know about her (his) husband (wife), there's no way you're going to convince me that she (he) didn't know what he (she) was when she (he) chose to marry him (her).

For example, men (women) who cheat will more often than not do it again. The other giveaway is how men (women) treat women (men), and the expectations they share about what they expect in a marriage. And if you're not talking about this with your man (woman) before you commit (and I know a lot of people don't entertain the concept of marriage integrity, which means fidelity not just to each other but to the institution of marriage which is founded on trust, communication, and longevity), don't complain. Any commitment like marriage requires the seriousness of consideration and devotion; you can't have equality otherwise.

Women, to this day - regardless of how far we've come politically, socially and individually - are still expected to fulfill the traditional roles of mother and wife. What we often leave out of conversations, however, is that these roles come packaged with sets of expectations that include (but aren't limited to) housework (cooking, cleaning, etc.), behavior (including modesty and conservativism), and performance (basically, public vs. private*).

So what we as women (men) deserve is: a man (woman) who genuinely loves us, respect us as women (men), appreciates our contributions to the relationship, supports us in all that we do, etc. There's nothing wrong with a woman (man) who, having the option to not work, chooses to be a stay at home mom (dad) if it's really something she (he) wants (and not because her (his) family - inside and outside the marriage - or friends or other people have made being a stay at home mother (father) an obligation, expectation, responsibility, etc. that a woman (man) assumes as a wife (husband)) because she (he) has thought about it; that is, it's an informed decision based on an awareness of the options available to her (him) as a woman (man) in today's society. [Again, I'm talking about socialization - but I'm saving the discussion for later!]

Why the () with the opposite sex/pronoun? Because there are many men who experience the opposite reality: a woman who suppresses them; seriously, a lot of women have beaten, raped, and otherwise taken advantage of men. (Don't believe me? Do the research.) Let's also not forget that in several states (I think) men can marry other men - as can women - so the same rules apply, but then it's a whole other thing called femininity vs. masculinity, which, by the way, applies to all sexes. As I've said, I'm heterosexual, and that's where I primarily speak from.

So, you see, there was a lot of subtext in my response to Tiffany. Were we sharing a conversation, I might've had the opportunity to go more in-depth on the topic. This didn't happen, however. At the same time, it's interesting that Christina jumped in as she did. Think about it: Was there any reason for her to be scared by what I said? Did I really say anything new?

What I'm really talking about, however, is stereotype threat, which is essentially anything that forces you to step outside of your box; the less secure you are about who you are, the more radical/extreme/dangerous/crazy someone else seems who says/behaves/responds with any knowledge/opinion/experience that falls outside of your boundaries. But don't worry! I'll revisit this concept in another post. I just want you to start thinking about it.


* In other words, people often behave differently at home than in other places. We've already, as a society, seen the consequences of this duality. The most visible of them is domestic abuse. Less frequently discussed is the issue of rape within a marriage; I know there's been a lot of debate on it, but I'm not sure what (if any) policy changes have been implemented as a result. I'm sure there are other examples; I just can't think of anything else offhand.