So we don't come to our positions arbitrarily, and we often decide things without fully understanding what specific factors have influenced our decisions though we may point to various sources, good or bad, in support of our view. What I want to get at is the behind the brain process.
Why? Well, because I was thinking about this conversation I participated in last week and realizing that what this one person said is a large part of why I don't agree with gay marriage. Though I don't really understand why the topic was introduced, I know it was in the context of Croatia's recent referendum on gay marriage which was denied - a position I support.
This isn't about what I personally feel about so-called gay people. I've been upfront that I think homosexuality is abnormal since we're hard wired toward heterosexuality - unless you can show me that procreation isn't a defining characteristic of our species; after all, we're not like the animals that change sexes throughout their lives or can self-procreate. Before you start jumping in with hermaphrodites, I don't know if they're actually able to self-reproduce; in their case only, however - and I do support the position that they are unfairly pressured to decide their sex, often resulting in surgeries to remove their other sexual attributes - do I accept their confusion about their sexuality. (In all other cases, it's about people choosing to be deviant but in a way that makes other people think they're not.) Yes, the way I see it, homosexuality is a choice which is contrary to the normal impulses of heterosexuality; also, I think being gay has been too much politicized today that there's actually a benefit to claiming that position, financially and socially. So, however you look at it, there's no changing the fact that homosexuality isn't a natural design in our evolution - because if you accept homosexuality as normal, you also have to do it for pedophiles and those into bestiality, etc.
That, however, is my ideological position. Ask me personally what I think of gay people, and I honestly don't care (but I absolutely want nothing to do with pedophiles or people who rape animals, etc.). What I'm trying to explain is why I'm against gay marriage.
First, you have to recognize that marriage is an economic activity. Single people, for example, generally pay more in taxes than married people which means that marriage presents a financial gain. Additionally, married people often get tax breaks if they have children whether or not those children are biologically related to them. I remember, too, reading about the policies of some countries which introduced bonuses to encourage marital unions, this in response to concerns over low birth rates.
Secondly, the issue isn't about whether or not people can physically procreate. We know that problems can result from either sex: infertility, low sperm counts, etc. Similarly, many options exist to answer that need: surrogate pregnancies, adoption, etc.
What people are ignoring, however, is that marriage is partly sociological. Psychologically, though, we know that the influence of both sexes matters a great deal in the upbringing of children regardless of how actively involved the parents are. Obviously, the more interested the parents are in their children, in an environment that supports and encourages them while also defining boundaries of behavior, etc., the higher the success rates of the children. And, yes, it actually doesn't matter who raises them as long as there is at least one male and one female.
As for those from single parent households, children's chances of succeeding increase when, at some point during their development, they interact with an influential member of the opposite sex, whether it's a friend, teacher, pastor, etc. However, they have a harder time with it than someone who is raised in a household that has both a man and a woman. Obviously, a good home environment makes a big difference, too; psychopaths manage it because they're used to masking reality, I think as a direct result of modeling on what they actually experienced from their parents. There really are, in my opinion, too many people who are good at putting on acts as parents, so that we can never be sure what the actual situation is when the masks are set aside in the privacy of their homes.
At the same time, I would also argue that the codification of abortion - the legal murdering of people before we're willing to define them as people - is maybe a root cause for the increasing breakdown of the institution of marriage and the proliferation of homosexuality around the world. Homosexuals, I think, come from home environments where they weren't loved, raised (with boundaries, nurturing, etc.), etc. Some of them, of course, just want attention, to shock, etc. Today, it's about publicity.
Abortion, however, told the world that the value of human life is worthless. This isn't to say murders didn't occur before; but, by allowing the murder of babies, we created an ideological position that is now rooted in the mass violence in which people keep asking: How can people be this evil? Because when we nurture cultures where people can be exonerated for killing people at their most vulnerable - sorry, but excepting for a miscarriage which can't be controlled for, an actual person exists in its most unstable period of growth which we call pregnancy (you will not hear it or physically feel it without it surviving the birth process which goes from conception to birth) - we give permission for anyone else to die as callously. Yes, we're capable of it because we have convinced people that no life matters.
Take the idea even further, and then you understand why people accept homosexuality: As a response to the guilt they feel about killing unborn people. Yes, I've said it before: Abortion was turned into a women's rights issues when it never has been. And because of that positioning, people refuse to recognize that the unborn person is a person. Some are so extreme as to deny that a person exists at all until it's actually born. More, this refusal to recognize the unborn person as a person has resulted in the applauding of and/or commiseration for the psychopaths who kill their children.
Of course, we know that heterosexual marriages aren't perfect. We know many situations where children are raised in the worst environments. There are too many stories of abusive and horrible parents. Fewer people talk about the realities of homosexual relationships or the negative impacts of their parenting which, like heterosexual relationships, is true in some but not all instances. But homosexuality, like abortion, is a mask that's hiding the real situation: In the first case, that heterosexuality (not homosexuality) is the biological instinct toward survival (otherwise there'd only be men or women); in the other case, that a pregnancy introduces a second person whose life the first person (and others) shouldn't get to decide in terms of life or death (and many of you, of course, would deny the evidence that suggests unborn people feel their murders).
Ideally, things never stand up to reality since we tend to demand more of ourselves than others. But here are my views, anyway:
- The influence of a male and a female on a child is relevant in defining a marriage;
- Rules should be put in place to reward the raising of children in this environment, where there is a female and male regardless of relationship (in terms of whether or not the parents and/or children are biologically related to each other);
- Financial incentives should be conditioned on the following, with the presupposition that children (biologically or otherwise) are part of the package: (1) the length of marriage (with higher rewards based on the standard landmarks that celebrate a marriage); (2) pre-marriage counseling that includes education on parenting and parenting readiness; (3) successful integration of children in the marriage relationship (tax breaks dependent on their well-being, literacy, etc.); etc.
In other words, what I'm suggesting is: A marriage is an institution designed for families that requires a male and female which creates the necessary balance, when directed toward parenting, to raise children who will later lead. The quality of their leadership, however, is a direct reflection on the values, limits and support they received in their formative years. This requires informed and interested parents, a social structure that insists on their governance, and the desire for a world that is, in all respects, equitable. Clearly, this world will never exist, hence, the inarticulation.
P.S. So, that's what the other conversation participant was talking about: The need for a man and a woman in raising children.
10 December 2013
20 November 2013
How Croatian women bully: A specific example
I'm always talking about specific instances. It happens that I rarely interact, on a regular basis, with other Croatians outside of a rental agreement.
I only decided to do this dance class because my house mother kept insisting that I "go outside" and walk. It's not something I have an interest in, especially when, since late Aug., I've gotten back into the habit of serious writing.
Anyway, it's happened during three different times over a six week period, often toward the end of this dance class I'm in, that several women have tried to bully my space from me. The first one was a girl in her twenties. The other two were older, one of them maybe the girl's mother.
Yet they behaved rather similarly. In the first and last case, though, the way it worked was: They chose, first, to crowd my space in. Suddenly, they were almost on me, or close enough that I was uncomfortable about making physical contact with them when we had to stretch our arms out.
In the first case, however, I could see her crowding in actions in the mirror, as she was behind me. In response to that, I deliberately slowed my steps down to control what space I did have, because I worried that she'd take my space and not let go of it.
In the last case, when I realized what was happening, I just decided: To hell with it. If my hands touched hers, too bad - because I had that space for most of the class to begin with!
In both cases, however, the next thing they did was wait until the next very short break (seconds that don't even come close to one minute) to ask me if I would "move to the left." Why when they could, and the space was there for them to do so?
As I told them (in English and Croatian), I need to see the instructor. This should be obvious. I don't speak, much less understand, Croatian well enough to do the steps by ear alone.
Sure, some of the steps have become more automatic that I can follow him just by seeing what he's doing through the mirror. When he starts moving his feet, however, I'm often looking at his feet to guess at the next step. Sometimes I can anticipate him, because some words (like napred) he's said over and over that I can recognize them, other things I'm still trying to remember.
Oh, right, but I forgot about the second case! Well, she not only went so far as to crowd me, but also to touch me which I hate even worse. She, however, didn't take it any further, not even trying in Croatian - as the last case did - to ask me to move, maybe because she didn't think I knew Croatian and she didn't know English.
I've noted something interesting, however. All three cases share this one thing in common: They all took their actions during one specific routine. However, the girl in the first case, starting the next day we met, took a different position which she's kept.
The last case is a woman I didn't notice before, as other women have been moving around at different times, much of them edging around the right side of me. I had one who was at level with the instructor, but enough to the right that I had a clear view of him. One came to stand behind him, a place I wouldn't want to be at since he sometimes moves backward so that we're side to side.
But what pissed me off in the last case was that the girl in the first case didn't show up that day. So there was a huge space on the left side of the room. There was also the other fat girl on that side (I'm at least twice or three times her size) which is why I think now it's about me being fat (it explains the big space, and the fact that more women were on the right side of the room than the left).
So I wonder why these women, who are small, need to try and bully the new fat girl in the class. Because this is bullying, though not invasively so. It makes me think of what I read about a book that's supposed to be about bullying behaviors between women, starting as children - and she's right, if the reviewer understood her correctly, that they tend to be a lot more subtle about it.
In this situation, though, I have no idea what to do. Because if it happens again, I am going to tell the next woman off (because they're interrupting my focus in the class with this childish behaviors) - and it's going to be loud, because I'm really annoyed, part of the reason (other than being sick, at least yesterday I was completely overwhelmed with fatigue) I decided to take off for a week. I'm somewhat certain that if I erupt verbally, I'll be asked to leave the class; after all, I'm the newcomer, they're regulars. Some points, though:
First, I, too, paid money to attend the class. Secondly, I always arrive early (a normal pattern for me - usually - regardless of what I'm doing) so I can claim my spot, a position I haven't wavered from the whole time I've been participating (it should, thus, be clear to everyone that it's where I want to be). Thirdly, it's rude to ask someone to move when you can move yourself and there's room to move (yes, I'm repeating this). Finally, it's not my problem if you can't stand being around fat people.
As I said, this is not my normal thing. So I have no idea if this kind of interaction is normal or specific to the idiots involved. And I am seeing this as an American, not a Croatian - thus, a Croatian in the same situation may hold an entirely different view of what's going on.
More, I don't know if bullying is a concept in Croatia (it's only recently that I heard the word diabetes mentioned on the news), or, if it is, how Croatians understand it. But, as an American, the behavior these women have been exhibiting is ridiculous - which is why I'm still deciding if I should continue this group class or just stick to private lessons.
I mean, for me, as a foreigner in another country, this kind of behavior is a red flag. Because there are few things that could realistically explain it: my being fat, my being American, or their just being stupid. If it's about me being an American, I have even more reason to be concerned; but, also, I am the kind of American who has and will shout when pushed too far.
So far, it's been three instances, and, yeah, I'm at the breaking point in terms of my silence. However, I think, if the shouting's going to happen, I want it to be in Croatian. In fact, this is what I've been wanting to say these last few days: Enough! Stop asking me to move when you can move and there's space to move! This is my class, too!
(It's not like it would be the first time I get kicked out of a class or program for refusing to be the better person, whatever that means but in actuality is the action of being compliant to the dictates of other people even when they're wrong. You know the expression as well as I do: "Don't mess with Texas." We take shit only so far before we throw it back - and we throw hard; ask Ozan Sula and anyone else who's ever wronged me. Hell yes I'm a bitch!)
I only decided to do this dance class because my house mother kept insisting that I "go outside" and walk. It's not something I have an interest in, especially when, since late Aug., I've gotten back into the habit of serious writing.
Anyway, it's happened during three different times over a six week period, often toward the end of this dance class I'm in, that several women have tried to bully my space from me. The first one was a girl in her twenties. The other two were older, one of them maybe the girl's mother.
Yet they behaved rather similarly. In the first and last case, though, the way it worked was: They chose, first, to crowd my space in. Suddenly, they were almost on me, or close enough that I was uncomfortable about making physical contact with them when we had to stretch our arms out.
In the first case, however, I could see her crowding in actions in the mirror, as she was behind me. In response to that, I deliberately slowed my steps down to control what space I did have, because I worried that she'd take my space and not let go of it.
In the last case, when I realized what was happening, I just decided: To hell with it. If my hands touched hers, too bad - because I had that space for most of the class to begin with!
In both cases, however, the next thing they did was wait until the next very short break (seconds that don't even come close to one minute) to ask me if I would "move to the left." Why when they could, and the space was there for them to do so?
As I told them (in English and Croatian), I need to see the instructor. This should be obvious. I don't speak, much less understand, Croatian well enough to do the steps by ear alone.
Sure, some of the steps have become more automatic that I can follow him just by seeing what he's doing through the mirror. When he starts moving his feet, however, I'm often looking at his feet to guess at the next step. Sometimes I can anticipate him, because some words (like napred) he's said over and over that I can recognize them, other things I'm still trying to remember.
Oh, right, but I forgot about the second case! Well, she not only went so far as to crowd me, but also to touch me which I hate even worse. She, however, didn't take it any further, not even trying in Croatian - as the last case did - to ask me to move, maybe because she didn't think I knew Croatian and she didn't know English.
I've noted something interesting, however. All three cases share this one thing in common: They all took their actions during one specific routine. However, the girl in the first case, starting the next day we met, took a different position which she's kept.
The last case is a woman I didn't notice before, as other women have been moving around at different times, much of them edging around the right side of me. I had one who was at level with the instructor, but enough to the right that I had a clear view of him. One came to stand behind him, a place I wouldn't want to be at since he sometimes moves backward so that we're side to side.
But what pissed me off in the last case was that the girl in the first case didn't show up that day. So there was a huge space on the left side of the room. There was also the other fat girl on that side (I'm at least twice or three times her size) which is why I think now it's about me being fat (it explains the big space, and the fact that more women were on the right side of the room than the left).
So I wonder why these women, who are small, need to try and bully the new fat girl in the class. Because this is bullying, though not invasively so. It makes me think of what I read about a book that's supposed to be about bullying behaviors between women, starting as children - and she's right, if the reviewer understood her correctly, that they tend to be a lot more subtle about it.
In this situation, though, I have no idea what to do. Because if it happens again, I am going to tell the next woman off (because they're interrupting my focus in the class with this childish behaviors) - and it's going to be loud, because I'm really annoyed, part of the reason (other than being sick, at least yesterday I was completely overwhelmed with fatigue) I decided to take off for a week. I'm somewhat certain that if I erupt verbally, I'll be asked to leave the class; after all, I'm the newcomer, they're regulars. Some points, though:
First, I, too, paid money to attend the class. Secondly, I always arrive early (a normal pattern for me - usually - regardless of what I'm doing) so I can claim my spot, a position I haven't wavered from the whole time I've been participating (it should, thus, be clear to everyone that it's where I want to be). Thirdly, it's rude to ask someone to move when you can move yourself and there's room to move (yes, I'm repeating this). Finally, it's not my problem if you can't stand being around fat people.
As I said, this is not my normal thing. So I have no idea if this kind of interaction is normal or specific to the idiots involved. And I am seeing this as an American, not a Croatian - thus, a Croatian in the same situation may hold an entirely different view of what's going on.
More, I don't know if bullying is a concept in Croatia (it's only recently that I heard the word diabetes mentioned on the news), or, if it is, how Croatians understand it. But, as an American, the behavior these women have been exhibiting is ridiculous - which is why I'm still deciding if I should continue this group class or just stick to private lessons.
I mean, for me, as a foreigner in another country, this kind of behavior is a red flag. Because there are few things that could realistically explain it: my being fat, my being American, or their just being stupid. If it's about me being an American, I have even more reason to be concerned; but, also, I am the kind of American who has and will shout when pushed too far.
So far, it's been three instances, and, yeah, I'm at the breaking point in terms of my silence. However, I think, if the shouting's going to happen, I want it to be in Croatian. In fact, this is what I've been wanting to say these last few days: Enough! Stop asking me to move when you can move and there's space to move! This is my class, too!
(It's not like it would be the first time I get kicked out of a class or program for refusing to be the better person, whatever that means but in actuality is the action of being compliant to the dictates of other people even when they're wrong. You know the expression as well as I do: "Don't mess with Texas." We take shit only so far before we throw it back - and we throw hard; ask Ozan Sula and anyone else who's ever wronged me. Hell yes I'm a bitch!)
